Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
