do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
