i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
