I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
