Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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