Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
