Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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