you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
