I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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