last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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