The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
