i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I've blown a few things in my day
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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