why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
