can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
