Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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