he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
