i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
