i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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