Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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