i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
