my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Someone came in the potted fern
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
