stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
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I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
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My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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