I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
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I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
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Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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