so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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