You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
