Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
