you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
