I hope mine doesn't look like that
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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