I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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