He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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