We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
