Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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