It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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