I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
