You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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