I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
