He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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