I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My vagina is officially offended.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
