maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
