why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
