but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
