i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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