Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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