I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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