College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
