Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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