If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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