I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
