is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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