He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
