does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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