I bet he comes in French.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
