I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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