I need to stop coming to work sober
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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