I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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