Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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