He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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