Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
